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F*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems, by Michael Bennett MD, Sarah Bennett
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New York Times Bestseller
The only self-help book you’ll ever need, from a psychiatrist and his comedy writer daughter, who will help you put aside your unrealistic wishes, stop trying to change things you can’t change, and do the best with what you can control—the first steps to managing all of life’s impossible problems.
Here is the cut-to-the-chase therapy session you’ve been looking for!
Need to stop screwing up? Want to become a more positive person?
Do you work with an ass? Think you can rescue an addicted person?
Looking for closure after abuse? Have you realized that your parent is an asshole?
Feel compelled to clear your name? Hope to salvage a lost love?
Want to get a lover to commit? Plagued by a bully?
Afraid of ruining your kid? Ready to vent your anger?
In this brilliantly sensible and funny book, a Harvard-educated shrink and his comedy-writing daughter reveal that the real f-words in life are “feelings” and “fairness.” While most self-help books are about your feelings and fulfilling your wildest dreams, F*ck Feelings will show you how to find a new kind of freedom by getting your head out of your ass and yourself onto the right path toward realistic goals and feasible results. F*ck Feelings is the last self-help book you will ever need!
- Sales Rank: #3281 in Books
- Published on: 2015-09-01
- Released on: 2015-09-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.25" h x 1.20" w x 5.50" l, .95 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 384 pages
Review
"Gives the middle finger to the self-help genre....Refreshingly blunt." (Harper's Bazaar)
"The Ice Bucket Challenge of self-help books...sound advice." (New York Post)
"The Bennetts have no time for gooey motivational slogans....Together they urge readers to abandon a quest for perfection in favor of realistic attempts at betterment....The Bennetts' goal is not that you might finish the book and say, 'I am perfect,' but that you might finish the book and say, 'I am the best version of myself that I can be at the moment.' (The New York Times Book Review)
"A tough-love, irreverent take on 'life's impossible problems.'" (The Atlantic)
"F*ck Feelings is the ultimate anti-self-help book." (Refinery 29)
"A highly informative and entertaining smack down to get your head on straight." (Kirkus Reviews, starred review)
"Engaging...it's hard to argue with the book's advice." (Elle)
"F*ck Feelings offers not only reliable, practical, and eminently useful advice to deal with all of life's various points of pain, but it is also funny, engaging, intelligent, and warm. Full of arresting examples and memorable quips, the book will help anyone who reads it to replace fool's gold with the genuine gem of wisdom." (Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of Driven to Distraction)
“I don’t trust anything called a “self-help” book which is why I love F*ck Feelings. There’s no smiling guru on the cover. We would all be smiling, motivated, people all day long if our f*cking feelings didn’t keep f*cking us up – but this book helps. It gives clear examples of our own circular thinking and how to accept our feelings but not always cater to them, and it’s FUNNY. Because life – even when it sucks – is FUNNY.” (Jen Kirkman, stand-up comedian and New York Times bestselling author of I Can Barely Take Care of Myself)
“Despite the in-your-face title, Dr. Michael Bennett really does believe in feelings. He just thinks that there is only so much time that one should spend examining one’s belly button searching for answers or getting hung up on guilt or anger. Instead, people should recognize and accept their flaws and get on with modifying or changing their behaviors and attitudes. This is useful advice for everyone, including therapists who can use this technique as a way of helping patients avoid getting stuck in endless therapy. I found myself using it on several of my patients. A great combination – valuable education and a fun read.” (Gail Erlick Robinson MD, DPsych, Professor of Psychiatry, University of Toronto)
“A wise, witty and practical book filled with wonderful case examples that speak to all of us. It has been a pleasure to read. " (Carol C. Nadelson, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Past President, American Psychiatric Association)
About the Author
Dr. Michael I. Bennett, educated at both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, is a board-certified psychiatrist, Canadian, and Red Sox fan. While he’s worked in every aspect of his field, from hospital administration to managed care, his major interest is his private practice that he’s been running for almost thirty years. The author of F*ck Feelings, with his daughter Sarah Bennett, he lives with his wife in Boston and New Hampshire.
Sarah Bennett has written for magazines, the Internet, television, and books. She also spent two years writing for a monthly sketch comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City. When not living by her philosophy of “will write for food,” Sarah walks her dog, watches Red Sox games, and avoids eye contact with other humans. Somehow, she lives in New Hampshire and works in New York. F*ck Feelings, written with her father Dr. Michael I. Bennett, is her first book.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
F*ck Feelings introduction what’s your goal?
Most people read self-help books, or come to see shrinks, because they can’t solve their problems after trying very, very hard to do it themselves. This is true whether they feel depressed, anxious, ill-treated, burdened with self-destructive behaviors, hurt by an unhappy relationship, too fat, too thin; you name it. They come expecting advice or treatment that will reduce symptoms, ease painful feelings, strengthen self-control, or mend broken relationships. Basically, they want a cure. These expectations are stoked by the public faces of therapy, particularly those telegenic, first-name-basis self-help gurus like Drs. Phil, Drew, Laura, Nick, etc.
F*ck Feelings offers a more realistic approach from a medically trained, practicing psychiatrist who, over a forty-year clinical career, has treated hundreds of patients with intractable mental illness, bad habits, and troubled relationships—Dr. Lastname. That was the alias used by your authors—Dr. Michael Bennett, the aforementioned Harvard-educated psychiatrist, and his daughter Sarah Bennett, a writer who spent years writing sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York—as we developed our collaborative technique at our website, fxckfeelings.com.
Observing the difference between what people expect from therapy and what they are actually likely to achieve, I, Dr. Bennett, came to believe that people use the very act of coming for help—and their overbelief in a cure for their problems—to deny the fact that there is much about life, others, and their own personalities that is beyond anyone’s power to change. They would rather see themselves as failures or as partially developed seekers who cannot properly begin their lives until they have found an answer that has so far eluded them. Clinging to the belief that they can be cured, they want to know what they or any prior therapists did to block them from achieving their treatment goals. Unfortunately, many therapists, eager to help patients realize these wishes, support their false hopes. I am not one of them.
F*ck Feelings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you can’t change. After urging you to accept whatever it is you can’t change—about your personality, behavior, spouse, kid, feelings, boss, country, pet, etc.—the F*ck Feelings approach shows you how to become much more effective at managing life’s impossible problems, instead of vainly and persistently trying to change them. If you’re willing to accept what you can’t change, we have many positive suggestions for improving the way you manage the shit on your plate—beginning with not wasting time repeating what hasn’t been working.
Your issue may be the love or hate you wish you could stop, the urge to drink or drug that you wish would go away, the blues you wish you could cure, or the spouse, kid, or parent you wish you could change. By the time you seek help, however, it’s usually obvious that something about your wish isn’t feasible, but that hasn’t stopped you from confusing that wish with a permanent, dedicated, high-priority goal. You can’t go forward, or be helped by treatment, until you accept its impossibility, suck it up, and turn your bullshit wish into a goal that can actually be achieved.
Accept whatever is obviously impossible about your goals. Accept that depression is often chronic and incurable, so you can stop blaming yourself for not controlling it. Stop treatments that don’t seem to be helping. Embrace whatever positive steps help you to live with and manage your illness or issue. Accept that there are some losses that never stop hurting, so you can stop delving into them, get used to living with a heavy heart, and try to build a better life. Accept that you have some urges for stimulating but unhealthy substances, sex partners, or self-expression that no amount of self-understanding will change. Stop asking why you’ve got weaknesses and start preventing them from turning you into a jerk.
After challenging advice seekers, patients, and our readers to accept what you can’t change, we show how you’re much less responsible for your misery than you thought. We teach good, often well-established methods for making the best of things—methods that you weren’t using because you were too busy with wishful thinking instead of problem solving.
Obviously, we don’t guarantee happiness—quite the contrary—but instead we offer you methods for building strength and pride in your ability to deal with the inevitable misery of a tough life. It’s not that we’re against happiness, just against holding yourself responsible for making it happen when it can’t. In our world, feelings don’t rule, many things can’t be changed, and acceptance of limits, not limitless self-improvement, is the key to moving forward and dealing effectively with any and all crap that life can throw your way.
So, no, we can’t tell you how to repair a long-broken relationship with a difficult parent, reform a bad boyfriend, or get respect from your boss, but that’s only because nobody can. The only book that can actually teach you how to change how others think is a lobotomy manual. Instead, we can show you how to look past the disappointment, resentment, and/or neediness that result from those issues so they can be managed realistically.
With the right limits, you can have a peaceful relationship with a difficult parent, and with the right standards, you can avoid bad boyfriends altogether. And with realistic expectations, you can get your work done in spite of a bad boss, or better yet, find a better one. Instead of false promises or happy endings, we provide concrete steps for getting past unavoidable bad feelings so you can do your best with what you actually control.
This book is also filled with fun sidebars and tables, like this one, so that I, Sarah, can amuse myself:
Bad Wish
Good Goal
Be my best me!
Learn to accept that “me” isn’t the best, and that that’ll do.
Learn to love myself!
Love the effort I put into putting up with myself.
Never drink again, ever!
Never stop working hard to resist delicious alcohol.
Given life’s cruelty and unfairness, F*ck Feelings believes profanity is a source of comfort, clarity, and strength. It helps to express anger without blame, to be tough in the face of pain, and to share determination without sentimentality. On the other hand, we don’t tolerate the reverent use of truly obscene f-words, like “fair” or “feelings.”
Each chapter addresses the usual wishes people have when they hope to solve a common problem—like loneliness, bad self-image, or conflict—and explains what part of these wishes are impossible to achieve. Using several composite case examples, we show you how to define the limits of what’s possible, create realistic goals, and devise businesslike procedures for achieving those goals. We remind you, repeatedly, because you need to hear it, to respect yourself for how you deal with bad luck, not for the overall quality of your luck. We also include information on how to find off-the-page therapy that might work for you.
So while other self-help books guarantee the path to happiness, F*ck Feelings guarantees that said path is nonexistent; furthermore, convincing yourself that there is such a path will actually lead you to feel like a true failure, instead of an unlucky hero. What F*ck Feelings can promise you is that there is no situation in life that can’t be endured if you can keep your sense of humor, bend your wishes to fit reality, restrain your feelings, manage bad behavior, and do what you think is right.
To those who want one of the many famous, overoptimistic Dr. Firstnames to tell them the secret to being happy, we say, fuck happy. Fuck self-improvement, self-esteem, fairness, helpfulness, and everything in between. If you can get over that, you can get real and get to a realistic solution, and yes, you can get it from this book, and from a real doctor, last name and all.
Most helpful customer reviews
112 of 123 people found the following review helpful.
will make your life more livable, promise.
By marianapparition
This book has plenty of swears -- whether that's a draw or a hindrance for you, they are in there and they are plentiful. But more importantly, this book has some of the best advice that no one gives you. Spending years getting to the source of why you don't get along with your parents or your siblings or why it's hard for you to commit or why you have self-destructive impulses is ultimately pointless to your wellbeing. Dr. Bennett recognizes these as diversions from doing the work that makes you proud of the life you have. The book doesn't promise to give you the life you want or the life you deserve, because so much of that is beyond your control. If you're born into difficult circumstances or don't have support or resources, it's going to be very hard to get the kind of life "you've always dreamed of" -- this book gives you real tools and the right mindset to achieve your goals and be proud of making the best life you can. in other words, teaches you to concentrate on getting ish done and what to do when unexpected ish hits the fan (clearly, I don't mind the swears, and I wish amazon didn't mind either). I've bought five copies for everyone in my immediate family, I'm going to probably give one to everyone on my Christmas list. Including my 90-year-old grandmother.
158 of 176 people found the following review helpful.
Whether you feel like an "A", live with an "A", or want a piece of "A" -- "F" those feelings!
By Ryan J. Dejonghe
WARNING: Naughty language in this book.
Despite the cheerfully bright yellow cover and salaciously curt, morally outskirting title, F FEELINGS is a landmark of psychological help. With tongue-in-(hopefully)-cheek mocking of every Dr. Firstname (Phil, Deepak, Oprah) book out there, Dr. Bennett and his comedic daughter seek to dispense actually useful advice with wit and practicality. To the point: this stuff works.
Whether you feel like an [donkey] are trying to get a piece of [donkey] or if you’re tired of living with an [donkey], the doctor and daughter prescribe an overdose of “f off” to the feelings and cuts to the chase: you can’t change [fecal matter]. Live with it. Deal with it. Because we’re on the “s” word: one of their favorite idioms is to say not to trust your gut—it’s full of [fecal matter]. Instead, work it out in your mind, control what you can, make the best of it. In this book, the Bennets give the script, provide examples, and bullet point it, too. (Wow, I’ve really had to edit this review heavily before posting on retail outlets.)
“In our world, feelings don’t rule, many things can’t be changed, and acceptance of limits, not limitless self-improvement, is the key to moving forward and dealing effectively with any and all crap that life can throw your way.” The two-Harvard-degree Bennet knows his stuff. He’s ivy league2 educated with three decades of practice. He’s got a sick sense of humor (wouldn’t you?) that his daughter helps convey in print to a wisecracking T.
Make no mistake—this is not satire or a side-splitting laugh at toothless Uncle Joe. This is a practical guide, with large portions of humor-infused advice that helps you survive an eight-hour Thanksgiving engagement with that same toothless Uncle Joe and his insufferable turkey-induced flatulence. This book also serves as help to kick your kissing-cousin Jack Daniels to the curb (most of the time) and survive most of the goals that motherly Jenny Craig sets in unreasonable expectation. It’ an f-you to self-help books and an indispensable survival guide to be the best person that we can be. Old Army cliché mottos, aside.
Here’s the gist: “What you can’t really control but feel you should:” (straight from the book)
• Income
• Relationship status
• How others feel about you
• Your offspring
• Ability to refuse the gravitational pull of a “party-sized” bag
“So while other self-help books guarantee the path to happiness, F FEELINGS guarantees that said path is nonexistent.” “Instead, assume you’re stuck with s*** and ask yourself what a good person should do in your situation.” “A good person is not someone who is trying to be happy, because that’s not possible, but someone who is trying to do right.” There, a whole paragraph of selected quotes. You get the idea.
Using examples and quotes from Trump to RuPaul (never seen them compared before, have you?) this book will help you raise kids, ward off drugs, stop picking scabs, and tolerate kisses on the (hopefully) cheek from Aunt Mildred. This stuff works because it’s practical and achievable. For once, stop sharing that smiling preacher’s quotes on Facebook and give this book a try. F those feelings!
Note: in case you haven’t picked up on this—the book is FULL of naughty, potty talk. The grandest curse word of all, the mighty f-bomb, literally appears on every page (as a heading, with no asterisk). Be forewarned. Be entertained. Be the better person because of it.
45 of 49 people found the following review helpful.
Adjust your expectations
By Aaron R. Olson
I loved this book. It is a wonderful voice of sanity in the insane rah-rah think-bright-think-light self-help genre. Most of the other self-help books would have you believe that if you just think positively enough, or meditate enough, that you will overcome your emotional woes. If you believe that, then you will feel depressed about being depressed because you didn't try hard enough or maybe theres another better cure for your emotional struggle just around the corner, or just one more book to read.
This book is so refreshing because it helps you accept life for what it is. The authors say that the cause of most of our emotional problems is our deeply ingrained irrational thinking that life should be fair, that others should treat us well, and that we must do well. The authors encourage us to start setting realistic goals to overcome our distorted thinking and start acquiring skills to overcome our shortcomings, rather than hope to change our innate behavior or the innate behavior of others.
The authors ask you to let go of the world that you wish would be and start accepting the world as it is. The authors help us understand that while having a problem free life would be preferable, it is not realistic and you will drive yourself crazy trying to achieve it.
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